What it took to find my real self
I’ve been struggling to write this. The failed attempts are piling up. It’s essential that this be right because it’s the cornerstone of my future writing.
This is your first impression of me and my work. Okay, a little bit of perfectionist is coming out now. I’m working on that issue.
The problem is, I can’t find my voice. I have a lot of them rattling around in my brain, but none of them are mine. I hear my family, former frenemies, and a host of others. My voice wasn’t audible.
My family has passed on years ago, but I still hear their jabs and comments. Until recently, I thought this was my inner voice.
I grew up in a tightly wound family. As a result, I’m super wound. Somewhere along the way, my mainspring broke and I’m finally unwinding slowly. The pandemic helped make that happen.
The truth is, I’ve spent the pandemic years getting my life straight. a lot of drama and trauma pushed me to do it. It’s a blessing in disguise.
It’ll be 17 years since my Mom died. She was the last of my family. I miss her a lot but not her criticism, etc.
It was after her death that I discovered there was no “me”. I was adrift and felt hollow inside. “No one needed me”, was what I said to myself. I had lived for others and there was nothing called me at the end of the road. It was quite a shock.
I was a newlywed to my wonderful husband. He worked at night so we’d hot-bed as he slept during the day. I had a lot of alone time.
It was then I started to write. I also created a successful web magazine. I poured myself into being busy to fill the void. My husband’s dream was to own his own business, while I wanted a nonprofit business. We decided on doing both. We created a fair trade international artisan nonprofit and a for-profit business to sell their products. Once again, I dove head first into busy work.
We had our brick-and-mortar store for 5 years but I was ecstatic when we closed. The pressure and stress were ruining my health.
I still feel guilty and sad about stopping. We supported artisans from 21 countries, but you can’t replace your health once it’s gone.